Learning To Love Again
by WelshClaire
Summary: Multi-chap angsty fic. Something happens to Harry that will change his life forever ..."You remember that moment like it was yesterday. You always will."
1. Chapter 1

**This came from a late night chat with Lizzi where I stated that if she didn't write the fic we'd been discussing, I would – and then my muse kicked in and I had to write it anyway. So we have two fics based on one insane idea that you may well hate us for, but it had to be done, and I can't wait to see how hers turns out!  
For reasons that will become clear later Janet just doesn't exist in this story, much as I love her.**

**Dedicated to Lizzi for helping with the idea.**

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_A year and a half. More specifically 1 year, 5 months, 3 weeks, 4 days, 15 hours and 4 minutes. That's how long she'd been gone. Nikki. Dr Alexander. Your love. The woman you were meant to be with for the rest of your life._  
_At least one of you managed it, you thought as you gazed at a photo of the two of you together. You just wish you'd had longer with her. The only thing that comforted you about it was that it had been quick, painless, instant. There may have been a split second of panic, but she didn't suffer. She wasn't in pain for hours as people tried to save her._  
_One look at her when you saw her twisted body lying battered and bruised at the side of the road told you everything you needed to know. You'd never get her back. You'd never hear her laugh again, kiss her again, see her eyes burn with passion when you made love together. That was all gone in an instant. A split second of stupidity when a drunk driver made the decision to get behind the wheel of his car._

She left the bar a few minutes before you, saying she needed to cool down, you'd stayed inside for no more than 3 minutes more while you settled the bill. As you stepped outside you heard the squeal of tyres, the smash of flesh and bones colliding with metal, and screams from innocent witnesses. Your eyes zipped around the scene searching for Nikki, seeing her nowhere until they settled on the victim, her blonde hair matched with that dress of hers you loved so much making your heart stop and your breath catch in your throat. You stopped dead in your tracks for a beat before running over to her calling her name, kneeling next to her, your medical training kicking in straight away in a futile attempt to save her.

"Come on Niks" you muttered, tears threatening to fall from your eyes "Don't you dare give up on me, girl!"

You run your hands over her body, head to toe checking for injuries, the list that builds up in your head is never-ending.

"I need an ambulance. Someone phone a fucking ambulance!" You yell at no-one in particular.

The pool of blood underneath her head should have been enough to tell you to give up but you refuse to. You checked her breathed, her airway, felt for a pulse. Nothing. The angle her head lay at, the distorted positions of her limbs, dislocated shoulder, compound fracture of one arm – the other probably broken in at least 2 places, fractured ribs, probable severe internal bleeding, both legs smashed to pieces as a result of the car crashing into her at high-speed. You know that if by some miracle you managed to get her breathing again, she'll have a very lengthy hospital stay ahead of her – if she keeps on breathing that is.

CPR. Get her breathing. That's what you need to do next. No change after the first cycle. Or the second. Or the third. Then you hear the sirens in the distance. Another 2 cycles of CPR, still no change as the ambulance pulls up a few metres away and the paramedics make their way over to you.

You begin telling them what's happened as calmly as possible as they take over the CPR, yet when you list her injuries the tears streamed down your face, knowing the chance of anyone surviving all those things is so small.

They shock her three times; you take her hand between each one as they check to see if her heart's started again. No change. You catch the look they share after the third shock, a questioning tilt of the head; a shrug and slight shake of the head in response. You know what they're discussing. Much as you hate it, you agree with them. If it was anyone else you would, and although she's everything to you, deep down you know what you have to do. It's not fair on her to put her through more, attempt to drag her back when you know ultimately her chances of survival are practically zero.

"Sir?" the male says as the female recommences CPR "I'm afraid her chances of survival are..."

"I know" you cut him off "I'm a doctor. We both are...well pathologists. I know."

"Sir, we can carry on, but we're unlikely to get her back, I'm sorry."

"Please, don't... don't put her through that. I, she's not coming back is she?"

"It's been what – 20 minutes since we got the call, and more before that since her heart stopped, yes? Her brain, all of her body has been starved of oxygen for that time, I can't see it happening, no sir. I'm sorry."

"Stop. Stop then. Let her go. If she's going, let it happen. Please. I don't want her being messed with if I won't get her back." You rub at your eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. It's useless. The paramedic places a hand on your shoulder in an attempt to comfort you and that's it. Your body shakes as the tears flow endlessly. You put a hand out to touch her, the woman you'd seen yourself marrying, starting a family with, growing old with, her body unresponsive but still warm.

"Oh Niks" you whisper, as you press your lips to hers, your tears falling onto her face "I'm sorry, so, so sorry."

You hold her to you as you wait for a private ambulance to arrive, the emergency one no longer needed. When it does, the paramedics hand over to the driver as you carry her into the back. Almost simultaneously the police arrive and cordon off the area as a crime scene. You insist on going with her, you aren't leaving her now, not yet. You aren't ready for that. It's only as you leave the vehicle 10 minutes later, her body on a trolley as you follow numbly behind that you realise where you are. The Lyell Centre. The tears start to flow again as you realise Leo is yet to find out. You meet him as you get inside, it's clear he doesn't know.

"Harry? What's happened?" he questions, a hand instinctively resting on your arm when he sees you breaking down in front of him.

"There was nothing I could do, she...I was there within seconds but she was gone." He pulls you into a hug.

"Look, I'll takeover now, go home. Go home to Nikki." He definitely doesn't know.

"I can't Leo! She...oh god, it's her Leo!" You fall to the floor on your knees overwhelmed with grief as you admit to your friend and boss the one thing you wish you didn't have to tell him.

"You...that's...Nikki?" he falters, switching his gaze from you to the covered body.

"I'm so sorry Leo... I was inside, she'd...she'd gone outside. It happened as I went out to join her...there was...was nothing I could do...I tried, I did, I just...she...she was gone...she's gone Leo..."

You feel his arms wrap around you as he joins you on the floor, knowing you've both just lost the most important woman in your lives. It feels like hours later that you at last release each other, gradually pulling yourselves up to a standing position as you notice your tears have soaked each other's shirts.

You both stay with her that night, refusing to leave her alone, sitting one either side of her, holding her hands letting her know that even though she's left you, you'll stay with her while you can.

You wake up with a jolt some time later. You look around confused, hoping that the nightmare from earlier was just that – a nightmare, not reality, then your eyes settle on her closed ones and you remember. You look away; squeezing your eyes closed not wanting to cry again. When you reopen them, they fall upon Leo's scrawled note lying on the sheet that covers her petite frame.

"_Gone to get us coffees, won't be long. We will get through this. L"_

A few minutes later he returns, the grief written all over his face and you imagine you must look as distraught as he does, if not more so.

You must have fallen asleep again, your head resting on her stomach, as the next thing you knew you're being shaken awake by Leo.

"Harry, they need to do her PM, I've put them off as long as I can, I'm sorry" he says gently.

"What do I do, Leo?" you mumble, your eyes flickering between his and hers.

"Carry on. We grieve, we mourn her, we remember how much we love her, but ultimately we have to carry on – for her. You can't – we can't let this destroy us. I know it hurts, I do, but it will get easier" he says, a hand resting on your shoulder.

"I...how? How do I do this without her? She's everything to me Leo" you whisper, knowing if you raise your voice any more you'll be crying once more.

"It's hard, it really is...I won't lie about that to you Harry, but she wouldn't want you to go to ruins over this, you have to carry on. It does get easier, that I know, I can promise you that" he says, gently forcing you to stand.

You press a kiss to her forehead and one to her now cold lips. "I'll always love you Niks, I'll never forget you." You allow Leo to lead you out of the building, and into his car. He drives to his house, knowing going back to the apartment you own – owned with Nikki would be too painful for you. Going there will have to wait. He ushers you out of the car and inside, guiding you upstairs into the spare room. He sits you on the edge of the bed and takes off your shoes.

"Sleep Harry. I'm downstairs if you need me, okay? Sleep" he says gently as he stands and walks backwards to the doorway. You merely nod in response, lying down almost on auto-pilot. As you close your eyes all you see is her face.

_You remember that moment like it was yesterday. You always will._

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**I can honestly promise you I didn't plan for this to end up like this. Nikki's death wasn't meant to be a huge part of this, and it was initially only a one-shot. However, as you can see that didn't happen. I hate myself for doing that to her, and making Harry and Leo go through it all, but for everything else to work, it had to happen. ! I cried writing mine, and it's probable I'll cry reading Lizzie's! I hope you didn't cry too much :/ *has tissues ready to hand out if needed***

**I love reviews almost as much as I love the guys I write about – even if I do put them through hell, so even if it's only a few words please leave one, they really do mean a lot :)**

**C x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, thanks to Cariad1987, scarletpoppy, Immortal Spud Thief and LizziGinne for reviewing. You're all awesome. This chapter is from Leo's POV, carries straight on from Part 1. Enjoy :p **

You sit at the kitchen table nursing a now tepid mug of tea, not letting yourself go somewhere comfier in case sleeps takes you when Harry needs you. You feel numb, you're not sure you can compute what has occurred in the last 12 hours. Nikki, the woman you see – saw as a daughter has been killed. A drunk driver you were informed by the police. A witness to the hit and run had got a description of the car along with the number plate. They later found him a mile or so further along the road; the car crashed into a lamppost, the driver slumped at the wheel – it turned out he was only unconscious because of the drink, not because he was injured.

You're pulled from your thoughts by a prolonged cry from upstairs. You race up to the spare room, taking the stairs two at a time. You enter the room to find Harry sat up in bed, the duvet discarded covering only his lower legs, tears streaming down his cheeks as remembers.

"Harry" you mutter "Harry, it'll be okay. It'll get easier" you said, placing your arms round him as you move to sit next to him on the bed.

You do your best to comfort him and hold your own tears back as his wrack through his body, his sobs filling the room, probably the house and next door too you think!

"Why? Why didn't she stay inside with me? Why did I let her leave my sight" he wails.

"You weren't to know Harry, there was nothing you could have done, it's not your fault, it's just a horrible, horrible accident" you tell him gently.

"I just want her back." He whispers, pushing your arms off his body and turning to lie face down on the bed.

"I know you do, I know" you mutter, laying a hand on his back.

"I'd like to be alone" he mumbles through the pillow, shaking your hand off him.

"Alright, I'm downstairs if you need anything" you say, standing up, shaking your head in disbelief at what has happened, knowing exactly what the younger man is going through. You merely get a grunt in response. You exit the room, leaving the door ajar so you can hear him if he needs you.

4 hours later, you check up on him. For the first time since it happened he looks peaceful, clearly exhausted and heartbroken by it all. You know what he's feeling; you wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even your worst enemy. You felt so alone after Theresa and Cassie died - even with Harry and Nikki there for you, you had no-one. Now one of your best friends is going through the same thing, and even though you want more than anything to help him, you know there's little you can do to ease his pain.

2 months after that dreadful day, 6 weeks after the funeral, he's still in your spare room. He'd been back home for a few nights on and off, but couldn't face being there alone. Each time he had been you'd had a phone call in the middle of the night from him in tears. You'd raced over there, held him, shared his grief and wished so much you could ease his pain, until he'd fallen into a fitful sleep.

The morning after one of these nights, you'd awoken before him to find yourselves in a awkward position, his head on your chest, your arms around him and your legs entwined. There's also the slightly-larger-than-average matter of your arousal pressing against his leg. You free yourself from him, and head for a cold shower. You'd always found him attractive, but as you knew of his feelings for Nikki – and were only 80% certain of his bisexuality, you never pursued your feelings. You'd heard him talk about his drunken experimentations and the occasional short-lived relationship with men, but were never sure what his true feelings on them were. Whatever he felt, now was not the time for you to be acting upon your lustful desires. He was grieving, you both were still. You just hope he hadn't been awake at some point while you still slept and felt it.

You bump in to him – almost literally – in the hallway as you make your way back to his bedroom, your hair still wet, shirt undone, him just in his underwear as he heads to occupy the bathroom you just vacated. He's a broken man still, but getting there. Your eyes flick to his crotch then away again, hoping he didn't notice as you feel movement in your own crotch again, his boxer-briefs leaving little to the imagination – and little is certainly not how you'd describe him. You lay a hand on his shoulder briefly before heading into the bedroom.

You're still sat on the edge of the bed, having made no change in your appearance other than your hair being spiked from towel-drying it, when he reappears from the bathroom, only a towel wrapped round his waist now. You force yourself not to look at him, failing miserably, yours eyes settling on his chest – water dripping onto it from his still-wet hair, running down over his stomach and lower to be soaked up by the towel. You mind wanders to what lies beneath it – you shake the thought away. This is Harry, you tell yourself. Even if he had wanted you at some point, he won't now, not when he lost Nikki so recently. You scold yourself for thinking about him in this way.

"Thank you, Leo" he says. You look up him, his eyes not full of grief and sadness for once.

"Hmm?"

"Thank you. For...well, everything. I should have said it sooner" he says, emotion filling his voice as he sits down next to you.

"What else would I have done, eh?" You reply, trying out a chuckle to lighten the mood – it seems to work.

"Well, yea...but still, thanks. I'd have been much worse if it wasn't for you" he says, placing a hand on your knee in thanks.

You turn your head to look at him, a small smile playing on your lips.

"Harry, I..."

"I loved Nikki – I, I still do...I can't be alone forever though. I don't want to betray her though. How...every time I think about yo- someone else it feels like I'm going to cheat on her" he says sadly.

**Okay, so this was only going to be a 2-parter, but I realised we needed more of Harry's POV at this point, so part 3 gives us just that! :)**

**Reviews are hugely appreciated, as always.**

**C x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to pinkswallowsun, Issy, Cariad1987, Lizziginne and Immortal Spud Thief for reviewing, you all make me very happy :) So yes, part 3! This continues straight on from part 2, and is from Harry's POV. Enjoy!**

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"Harry," he said softly "I know how you feel, I know just how horrible it is to feel like that but it's not cheating. Nikki won't hate you for moving on...she'd want you to be happy, wouldn't she?"

"Yea, I guess...just, I know that anyone I meet I'll be comparing to her, and that's not fair on them" you say.

"You won't, with time you won't. You'll remember her but you'll be able to love someone else" he says firmly.

"I don't want to forget her...ever" you say sadly.

"You won't Harry, she was such a big part of your life – of both our lives, neither of us will forget her, I promise you that. We just have to be grateful for the memories we have of her."

"Leo? I..." Next thing you know your lips are pressed against his – who instigated it, you're not quite sure, but that doesn't matter. You're kissing Leo Dalton. The only other person you've seen yourself meaning something to.

One of your hands makes its way to the back of his head, its fingers running through his short hair. You pull away from him, staying close enough to hopefully let him know you didn't think it was a mistake.

"Harry..." he begins "I can't...we have to work together..."

"Leo, I worked with Nikki..." you say pleading with him.

"I'm not saying no, Harry. I'm saying we can't do this if it's just a quick thing for you to try to get over Nikki – you mean too much to me for me to let that happen" he says, his dark eyes staring deep into yours, his proximity overwhelming your senses. You haven't felt like this for a long time – not since she died.

"It's not Leo, I've warred with myself for a while over this, hell, years, since before Nikki. There was something about you, different from the other men I went with" you confessed, sitting back a little more. "I had to make a choice between the two of you and I hated myself for that, but I knew how she felt – I didn't know what you wanted."

"That was my fault – I could see how good you two would be, how right for each other you were, I wasn't going to get in the way of that, what you could have – did have together" he admitted, tears forming in his eyes.

"Thank you. I appreciate that, I really do. I can't live in the past though, you're right, and you – I've wanted you for so long Leo, I truly have." You take one of his hands in yours, squeezing it gently. You know this is right but it can't be rushed.

"You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that" he says with a laugh. You chuckle in response, it's been ages since you last laughed, you realise. You take the plunge again, your lips meeting his. You flick your tongue against them briefly. They part, you delve your tongue inside his mouth tasting, feeling.

You weren't sure you'd be able to love again after losing Nikki, but maybe, just maybe you can, you think as you lose yourself in each other kisses.

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You carry on as normal - or as normally as you can at this stage of grief - for a few weeks after that, he's there for you still, more so than before even, waiting until you're ready for more, comforting you when you need it without taking it too far. He's still there as a friend and colleague as well as a...lover, you guess, partner sounding to serious for how new your relationship is.

3 months later, almost 6 months since you lost her, you go home with him after work- it's easier there without her, less memories. After dinner you talk, about each other, about what you want, about Nikki, about how you move on. When he kisses you, you find yourself wanting, needing more. At the same time, you're not sure you're ready to make that next step. You end up falling into bed together, having stripped to your underwear. You take it no further than kisses, caresses, tastes, learning the shape and of each other's body, slowly bringing each other to climax, learning to love again.

You wake when his alarm goes off to find lying in front of you, his back against your chest, one of your arms slung round his waist, a hand linked with his. You press a kiss to his bare shoulder as he wakes, smiling at him as he turns to see you, his eyes still sleepy but full of love for you.

You keep it professional at work – most of the time, but you're more relaxed now about this new relationship. You take his hand in yours when you're out, share kisses in public, and there are always the moments when you let your fingers graze along his hand whenever you pass him something, a short smile also passing between you both as you do so.

You officially moved in with him a month before the anniversary of her death, though really you'd stayed there most nights, rarely going home. You knew that day would be difficult, but he helped you through it, as you helped him. You were there for each other as you laid flowers at her grave and wept hand in hand.

Which brings you to now. Where this began. You visit her grave every week, sometimes alone, others together. This time is different. A milestone, almost.

"Hey, Niks," you begin as you crouch and lay the bunch of roses on the ground. You felt stupid the first time you spoke to her here, but it's commonplace now. You keep her up to date with everything. "Today's the big day. I always thought it would be our day, not mine and Leo's, but no ... Maybe if I'd got my act together and asked you out sooner it would have been ... Who knows what would have happened if I had done that – maybe you'd still be here ... I wouldn't have Leo, whichever situation I think about I long for the alternative...Leo's good though, he understands; he knows how much you meant to me– no-one else would ... I hope you do, at least I didn't go back to a pointless string of 25-year old bimbo's eh? I wish I could stay longer Niks, I really do, but I'm already running late ... We're away for 2 weeks, but we'll visit as soon as we get back, okay? ... Love you forever girl."

You stand, running your fingers over her name engraved into her headstone as you do so, taking one last look at it before turning away. You take a deep breath as you start to walk back to the waiting car, brushing the tears from your cheeks as you do so. Half a mile away, the other love of your life is waiting.

Waiting to start a new chapter with you.

Waiting to marry you.

**Anyone in need of more tissues? I was after writing it :( **

**For now this is where I leave Harry and Leo in their happy little world, there'll be another chapter of Contact up soon, hopefully tomorrow, and have another chapter of Lost starting to plan itself in my head. **

**There will also probably be a one-shot following on from this story too thanks to something I saw on Facebook, and bouncing ideas off LizziGinne and Immortal Spud Thief! :) **

**Reviews are loved, as always! **

**C x**


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